Do-you-speak-English?

One of the problems traveling in foreign parts is getting used to the language.

New Zealand is no exception.

The combination of the New Zealand accent and my hearing means that every sentence comes out like "I am a Martian, would you like to have sex with me"

There are several response to this

1. "I'm sorry, I'm already in a relationship and anyway, I don't know how Martians have sex". This usually results in the local psychiatric hospital being called and you being carried away in one of those white coats with wrap around arms
2. "Yes". Depending on what the real question was, you could end up with some weird sauce on your chips, the special of the day (fried lamb giblets with eyeball surprise), a police fine for loitering without intent or a smacking kiss from a transvestite.
3. "No". Depending what the real question was, you could get a smack around the chops for rudeness, a long argument on how the weather IS really quite good for this time of year, no extra beans with your giblets or being fried by a plasma weapon for causing an interplanetary incident
4. "Pardon?". The question is usually repeated in Venusuvian.
5. "I'm sorry, you have a weird accent, can you repeat that". This, though true, usually gets you full marks for rudeness and converts the speaker to a rabid republican, determined to extract NZ from the Commonwealth
6. "I'm sorry, I'm a bit deaf, can you repeat that". The question is then repeated in the tone of voice reserved for babies, old people or idiots. This is accompanied by a manner that implies that the speaker thinks that you are a daft old git who should get a hearing aid. This may be true, but it doesn't do wonders for your ego.

All is not lost, however. I usually begin to pick up the accent after about 3 weeks. This is about the length of my holiday, so at least I'll be able to respond correctly to the air steward when he asks if i'd like champagne with my meal.

At least, I hope that's what he's asking me.