I've had the medical and...

So, I've had the medical, and it appears that I'm deaf, blind, overweight and susceptible to heart disease.

Other than that, I'm in good health.

The job I'm in may, perhaps, if all goes wrong, the brown stuff has hit the rotating object and the vessel is loose and drifting in the North Sea, require me to visit an offshore vessel. (and for those pedants amongst you, an onshore vessel could be regarded as one that has finished drifting)

For this I need a medical to pronounce me fit. I assume this is so I don't scramble up the netting, salute the captain and fall dead at his feet.

Actually, it's a bit more than that, since as part of the medical I need my dentist to pronounce me dentally fit. I assume that this is so i can bite the captain's ankle before dropping down dead. My dentist duely provided the required note along the lines of 'When he last visited me in November he had all his teeth, and these were of sufficient good order to bite captains'.

Well, words to that effect

(and while we're at it, can you solve the great debate in the office and explain what the difference is between affect and effect and when either of them become effective and what effect or affect they have within a sentence. Remember we're engineers. Write slowly. And loudly)

Anyway, I've been measured, weighed, jabbed, and had the doctor carefully inspect me (but not thoroughly inspect me - as he said when he asked me to remove my clothes '..but not your pants because I'm not going to do anything intimate'. I bet he says that to all the men).

I've had a hearing test that put me in a booth and fed me tones that I couldn't hear over the permanent ringing in my ears.

I had an eye test WITHOUT my glasses where the answer was 'Blob. Blob, blob. Blob-blob-blob-blob-blob. Blob a blob r (at this point I was guessing). The near sight test demonstrated that I was well on the way to varifocals but didn't have them.

The reason for this is I'm not stupid and I'm parsimonious (big word - it either means I'm partial to parsnips or I don't spend money). 2 years ago my optician said that my eyes were sliding into senility - or in other words, I was going to need long distance and a reading prescription. He also said 'The good news is that your eyes will stop changing after 5 years'. So I did the maths. 'I buy a pair of varifocals at 200 squids now. Then the next year I throw them away and get another pair and continue doing this for the next five years. Do I look that stupid? - or rich?'

So I get a pair this year (half way through senility) and then in 2.5 years time.

That is providing I don't have a heart attack first. You see, not only do they take your medical history, but that of your family...

'What did your father die of?' - 'Cancer of the bile duct but he actually had a heart attack. He also had angina'

'and your mother?' - 'Heart attack, but she was diabetic'

'anyone else in your family? - 'My uncle - heart attack. Oh, and my brother who's still here and has had several heart attacks and a triple bypass'

'I see', the doctor says. And 'you're a bit overweight', he says. 'Do you smoke? he asks. 'No', I reply; 'I just steam quietly when someone says I'm overweight'.

The trouble is, he's right. I've gone from slim and lovely - OK, slim - to porky (100kg, work it out in medieval units). My blood pressure is up, my pulse rate has gone from 60 6 years ago to 80 now and I haven't a clue what my cholesterol level is like but I noticed the doctor cancelling his order for a year's supply of butter after taking my blood for a test. I suggested that I could go on the Atkins diet and he smiled. OK, I was joking - even I'm not stupid enough to go on a diet that seems to consist of dropping everything in favour of protein and fat. Mind you, it seems to work - one of the guys at work has tried it and has gone from a 50 inch waist to a 38.
I think I'll just cut out the chocolates. And the crisps. and the cider at lunch time; and cream cakes on Saturday. and start walking into and out of town - in winter - when it's raining

Joy.