North sea nasties

I've mentioned previously that my job may send me off to the North Sea.

This is just one of the many inhospitable places that we could get sent to - the other one being the States (if there's anyone in the Department of the Homeland reading this, that was another English joke. Please don't send me to jail).

Unlike the states, however, they train you on how to get there.

Or rather, what to do if you don't get there.

Many of the UK's oil rigs are in the North Sea. This is cold, wet (obviously) and windy. You get there by helicopter, which by all accounts is an accident waiting to happen.

In order to prepare you for this accident they send you on a training course on what to do if your helicopter crashes in the North Sea.

No, it isn't 'scream'.

And according to them, it isn't 'drown'.

The normal survival time in the North Sea is about 2 minutes - if you're lucky. So you're given thermal overalls and a dry suit, hood, boots and gloves. This is to keep you warm(er) and dry if you get dunked.

The dunked bit is because to make matters more interesting, helicopters are built with their engines at the top. The normal floating configuration (yes, they should float) for a helicopter is upside down. (This assumes a lot of things, such as the heliocopter settled like a feather onto the surface, that it isn't on fire, wrecked, exploded or any of the 101 things that can happen to helicopters).

So when the helicopter lands it turns upside down

With you in it.

Screaming.

So, you're trained how to exit from an upside down helicopter in the dark in a storm in the freezing north sea.

In order to do this they take you to a nice warm indoor pool with the lights on and put you in a plastic box with big windows that they dunk and then turn upside down.

So it's not exactly realistic but gives you an idea. (as an aside, they used to do this with no heating, lights out and high pressure hose playing onto the surface of the water, but they had a few heart attacks so had to give it up on the basis that they're not supposed to kill people before they get into the helicopter).

Now, the fun bit is that they say it takes at least one minute to escape, and that the water is so cold that everyone takes an involuntary gasp when they hit the water (provided they're not screaming). This gives you about 17 seconds of air. They therefore provide you with a rebreather bag that provides you with enough air for about 4 minutes. So, that's Ok then. They also give you a nose clip to stop water going up your nose. The clip is made of steel, it's slippy, it's well sprung and impossible to get on if you have to use your left hand.

'I'm going to drown', I thought

They also let you pull the cord on your lifejacket.

I ALWAYS wanted to do that. Hey - size 50" bust in 5 seconds. Incidentally, I now know why they say 'don't inflate it in the aircraft'

1. You're walking around with a chest like Pamela Anderson (and probably made of the same material)
2. It floats. If you go underwater in the aircraft with an inflated lifejacket you stay in the aircraft. Or at least in the ceiling (or floor, whichever way is 'up').

So, helicopter lands on sea. Hand nearest to exit or pointing at exit. If near emergency exits (all doors and windows are exits apparently) pop exit open, put hand on exit so you knows where it is. Other hand on release buckle. Take hand off buckle (no, no, not the exit hand), fasten nose clip, take deep breath, pop rebreather valve, put hand back on buckle.

Got that?

OK, you didn't get that, we'll do it again.

(this is the exercise. If you don't get it on the real thing you lose it)

Don't panic

Helicopter turns upside down. Stay calm. When helicopter finishes turning use hand on buckle to release buckle, use hand on or pointing to exit to pull you through or towards exit, don't need any light because your hand will guide you. Kick out to surface, inflate lifejacket, hooray, alls well, lets go and have a cup of tea.

Actually, the guys who've done this before say 'forget waiting for the thing to finish turning. Pop the f....g exit and get the f..k out of there'

So; gently turn over. Lah de dah de da. Isn't this fun. Normally you have to pay for this sort of entertainment. Nice warm water, nice and light, can see the exit, this is going to be easy. Ok, the helicopter (or it's plastic clone) has finished turning over, lah de dah, pull buckle and let's get out of here

Hah. I got stuck. No, not because I'm fat. The dry suit I was wearing had long cuffs, the belt had an aircraft type buckle and the fabric of the sleeve got caught in the release mechanism, jamming it.

So there I was pulling at the release thinking 'I'm sure I've seen a film about this. The guy drowned at the end of it'. All very calm like. Luckily the belt unjammed otherwise I'd have looked a right pillock being pulled from a plastic helicopter.

OK, you've left the helicopter, now get into the lifeboat. This is the second killer - figuratively speaking I hope.

They're impossible to get into on your own, especially if you're doing your pamela anderson impression. you get your chest on the rim, you pull, and your boobs get stuck. You kick your legs but they're out the water, you pull again, bloody plastic surgery, eventually you die of exhaustion

'The best thing', the trainer said, 'is to let someone else get in first'.

Umm.

As long as you get out of the helicopter and get into the lifeboat then your chances of survival is going to be high. To make life easier (so to speak) all North Sea helicopters are fitted with flotation bags so they don't turn upside down

So that's alright then

At least things are better nowdays. The rebreathers only came into force April last year. Before that you were stuck with the 17 seconds air, 1 minute to escape. I asked our instructors what they told trainees before that time. They didn't answer, but the reply of one of our employees to the end-of-course survey is significant

Q. 'What is the most important thing you learnt on the course?'
A. 'We're all going to die'

Next installment. Guy Fawke's night on an oil rig.