The New Ice Age

If you were to rely exclusively on the news you would have got the impression that a New Ice Age had hit the UK.

So, let's clear up a few things.

There are no polar bears roaming the streets of London. A sabre tooth tiger was not seen in Hyde Park. Reports of woolly mammoths invading the House of Parliament are unfounded and Tower Bridge did not have to be raised to let an iceberg through.

The above paragraph will give you a clue as to why the news was so panic stricken. It's because it's generated and edited in London by a bunch of chelsea tractor driving (4x4s to the rest of you) champers swilling brain dead idiots who like to call themselves journalists. The rest of the country have become so dependant on the pap these people feed us that they've started to believe it.

So, when the news talked about severe snow conditions on Monday morning the train drivers, bus drivers and school believed it and immediately closed everything down. No-one thought to look out their window and actually see what the conditions were until it was too late to do anything about it. As a result, trains stopped running, buses didn't emerge from their depots and schools were closed down.

Birmingham had its fair share of idiots. For the record, we probably had about 2 inches of snow and I'm being generous. They still apparently closed the schools (one excuse was 'dangerous conditions on the play ground'. What dangerous conditions?? The ground had snow on it. Just enough to make a snowball. I suppose little Johnny getting hit in the face by a snowball probably counts as assault nowadays but I wish that we would get some idea of proportionate damage). The local train was shut down although somehow the long distance trains managed to battle their way through the 6 inch snow drifts. I got to work on time. I only had a half hour wait going back home. The only neaderthals I saw were the ones emerging from the Square Peg pub but that happens at any time of the year.

The only thing I'm likely to die of this winter is embarrassment. Britain collapsed under the weight of grams of snow. Even the websites failed under the horrendous weight of people wanting to know if their trains were running (I do what I always do .. walk to the station, read a book and wait for the next train). I'm embarrassed because my friends and family are widespread and in many cases live in far more arctic climes. I have one picture from a friend who tried to bury his daughter in 18 inches of snow after she exceeded his credit card limit. My brother sends pictures of him standing in front of what at first glance is an igloo and turns out to be his car. They somehow survive in what to a Londoner would be horrendous conditions. How do they manage this? Possibly the answer is that they're used to it. We usually get one day of snow a year. London usually doesn't get any because the amount of hot air rising above Westminster turns anything threatening to be sub zero into rain. So when a Londoner sees snow they go into headless quail mode. London probably has the highest incidence of 4x4 drivers that don't know how to use the bloody traction control. They panic. Journalists, fighting their way through 3 inch snow drifts and heavy dustings of snow on their way back from the pub shakily sit down at their computers and prepare Britain for The End Of The World.

And the rest of us, bemused by this, go 'Oh, OK' and go and get our boots on.